Given world events, that title is probably misleading: I mean to speak of my resistance to this current class. I am now only one week behind…and am not alone in being challenged by it. It would help immensely if the people who wrote my required readings were actually engaging writers who could explain things and take User Experience into account, but that’s water under the bridge.

I’m experiencing a phenomenon which is familiar enough to me, to be annoying: entering into something not knowing what to expect, and then getting cold feet when things start getting tough. At that point, I seem to wish to divert my attention to something else — something I’m not so great at, but which I have potential in — in order to take my mind off of trying to perform at presently extremely difficult tasks.

Sometimes, that can be a positive thing, to avoid being overwhelmed in the moment. Sometimes it’s really not positive, when it keeps me from getting work done. The thing is, being overwhelmed and forcing myself to study anyway, is not always productive…which happens to be an understatement.

It has probably been months since I’ve last drawn, or painted. My writing practice has also stalled (relatively speaking) — though in this case, it’s understandable: I could not take two postgraduate writing courses on top of an XML class, when XML demands a significant amount of one’s mental resources.

What is unreasonable is that I have nearly stopped writing altogether; when, what does it take, 15 minutes a day, to keep in practice? Had I not recorded some things in writing over the past week (notes, and the last entry here), I wouldn’t even have recalled what had happened.

It seems I’m getting a taste of what it is like to have a non-creative job. Which is weird, as most of my life leading up to this point, has focused on my creativity. I do need to get back to that (!), though it’s difficult when at this point I do not know how to make a living off of my creativity; reliably, and in keeping with my own ethics.

Ethics are the hard part, methinks. That, and tolerating other people. Both of those things have to do with me, and both of them may be irrational.

I still haven’t worked out, for example, how to clue a person in to the fact that I don’t fit into a gender binary, when nonbinary people don’t necessarily look different than anyone else (nor should we have to). The bottom line with me is that people shouldn’t be guessing other peoples’ genders based on their appearances, flat-out: but the flip side of that is having to indiscriminately ask everyone their pronouns…which is awkward (and sometimes dangerous).

Then there is the question of how to live within capitalism while not being financially crushed; at the same time, doing as little exploitation of others in the supply chain (or, realistically, in one’s life) as possible; and not being exploited, oneself. That seems as though it’s…not realistic, however, with a global economy. It’s like trying to be vegan, and learning that you can’t eat refined sugar or drink wine because it’s processed with animal products.

Or, it’s like trying to get around and having to depend on fossil fuels in one way or another, when it’s common knowledge that we need to stop.

I have not yet taken Macroeconomics, and I don’t know if my questions would even be answered there. The reason I didn’t take it was the fact that it only seemed to explain the theory underlying free-market capitalism…which is not the only economic system in existence, and yet we are discouraged from learning about how other people in the rest of the world, do things (and have done things, prior to Marx & Engels).

It’s really obvious how the current form of the economy which I now have to deal with, is biased against creatives (except when those creatives can sell someone else’s products). I’m not certain to what extent this is informed by a history of a gendered division of labor. Actually, that may be better stated as a, “gendered division of society”…which is something I am actually interested in studying, at this point.

Being a writer, of all things, as well…it’s fairly evident that most people don’t read. Of course, I am not after, “most people”; there are some people who are interested in my writing.

I guess I could look back at my Intro to Marketing course and understand that — at least in regard to my writing — I’m not here to serve everybody. In Marketing, there is a concept of the target market, which in this case would be the people I’m writing for, and to. I’m fairly well aware that my own taste leans towards Speculative Fiction…and my major problem in working with this, is triggering myself by dealing with relatively heavy tropes.

So I could say that in fact, my XML class is giving me a break from triggering myself via a too steep dive into my writing. It stands to mention, however, that the major reason for my seeking a job as a Librarian is to expose me to books and give me time and funding to write. Plus, there’s the, “not exploiting people,” angle.

Maybe that’s naive. But for someone considering work in the field I’m in, well…Librarians are not necessarily known for being cynical…