Why do I feel like such a student?

I gotta be honest: this scheduling stuff is tiring. Well: Real-Life Stuff in general, is tiring. Let’s say I’ve been putting out effort to get things — other than Writing — done, for about the last month or month-and-a-half. (I can’t really be sure; until about a month ago, I wasn’t taking regular account of what I was doing, each day.)

I am getting a lot done. There’s just more I need to do, than I can tackle in one day — and then there are the daily things that need to be taken care of. Not just cooking, exercise, hygiene, sleep…but then there are the two (or three, if I’m being particular) classes I’m focused on, plus my Writing practice…

…and, well — now that I think of it, I have had my attention diverted by a couple of things that actually can be difficult to deal with…though getting into those problems may be too deep, to talk about online.

Maybe I wouldn’t be so stressed out, if I actually cleaned the bathroom and didn’t have to look at it and think about it, anymore (at least, not for a number of weeks). I also believe I wouldn’t be so stressed, if I didn’t have what I think are the beginnings of arthritis, in both hands. This may have been the actual cause behind what I thought was a repetitive stress injury, beginning in late 2021.

And for the record: no, I don’t know why I turned 40 and suddenly got pains in my hands and wrists. This is another reason why I don’t want to rely on physically making things for my income, however.

As regards the study: for the moment, I’m participating in a foundational course instead of throwing everything I’ve got at Python. As I think I mentioned before, I was dealing with substantial difficulties because I got to the point where the use of undefined vocabulary made the questions I was supposed to answer, opaque. Luckily, the vocabulary is clearly addressed in the foundational course (which is provided without additional charge).

I am now a bit ticked off that in my MLIS program, I had to take a class covering the basics of Programming and pseudocode (i.e. breaking down the steps of a process), which cost more than it would have (free), had I taken the course elsewhere online. Right now I’m working with Python 3. This was being given at my alma mater for about $1400/semester, if I’m recalling correctly; I’m taking it online for under $300 for a year’s access to the course. (I should note that I’ve heard that skill is of more use in the Tech field, than a diploma.)

I suppose we can say that I’m a bit…irritated with University structure, at the moment. Actually, that’s not true; I’m irritated with University classes when they’re overpriced and inferior, at the moment.

Yeah, maybe I wouldn’t want to be a Professor teaching a student like myself. But when we get into new types of topics (like Programming), especially when learning online…there are better ways to teach for much less cost, than one gets through a course based on a University model, ported to the Internet.

I’ve mentioned before that published books on technology…they tend to go obsolete nearly as soon as they come out, and then have delays in new editions. When you’re learning from online sources, at least they have the ability to quickly, cheaply, and easily update their reference works to keep up with current definitions and practice. That doesn’t mean they do, but it means they can. The issue I’m seeing is that the Internet is a better source of information as it refers back to current technologies, than books are.

The Internet can also be a better trainer, because it’s multimedia and interactive, as versus just text. If I were paying to attend classes in-person, that’s an entirely different animal; that means someone is actually there to interact with you and physically see what you’re doing wrong, and analyze how you got to that wrong point, and help correct your path. But that doesn’t happen often enough, online: especially in a University-style class. It seriously won’t happen, if you don’t ask for it, and in an online class, you don’t necessarily see other people asking questions, to help encourage you to ask a question.

Japanese language study is progressing, but I haven’t been paying as much attention to it as I should have, largely because I understand much of what is going on, already, and it’s tedious. (How often can you learn how and when to say “konnichiwa”?) It’s not as quick progress for me as I wish it were, that is; but information I don’t know will likely come, soon enough. And I still need to practice making my kana look correct/attract-ive. Though — just taking notes, will allow me to do that.

I have decided against taking on any more classes, at the moment; after all, the ones I’m involved with now, are teaching me things. I’m only on the first module of my Japanese course, which has…21 modules, total. I have just looked at the last module…and either I knew a lot more than I thought I did before beginning, or I am really going to have to reach beyond this course to functionally enable my knowledge of the language.

Realistically speaking…it’s probably truer that I know a lot more than I think I do. I’ve become more aware of the fact that understanding can lie below conscious awareness; and NHK World is a basic mainstay of TV in my household. I did opt for the choice of class I did, because it’s supposed to launch one into intermediate Japanese by the end; it also has a strong audio component, which I need — and can’t get from books, unless they have a Web presence, as well.

Then there is my Writing practice. I haven’t been back to my actual Creative Writing project, for a good amount of time. I haven’t wanted to risk it, yet. Although my classes and scheduling are taking up a lot of my energy, my mood and outlook are better than they have been in months, if not years. I can’t bet on that continuing while I’m working on the Creative Writing project which brings up some of the dregs. Anyway: the classes and scheduling are just tiring: and you see I basically blasted the schedule today, to write here.

It remains that I do still have to master some tools that I will need to fully fledge: one of which, is driving. That shouldn’t be too scary, but I still feel a bit nervous about it. I have a tendency to be hypervigilant, trying to see everything around me, and so I can miss some obvious cues that an experienced driver, would see.

But I suppose that actually taking the time out to cook — and more than “help” cook, but at times take the lead in cooking — is a good sign. It shows I’m putting out effort to do better than I have been doing; I’ve rarely ever been expected to help with cooking. But if I want to eat what I want to eat, I need to get on it and do the work.

I haven’t been on top of the job search so much, recently; but I think I should aim for part-time employment, right now! I applied and inter-viewed for a full-time position, and am now nervous about it: I have never worked, full-time. And I don’t know that I’d be able to handle everything else in my life right now, if I held down a 40-hour/week job. For that matter, I don’t know how I’d be able to survive on my own with a 40-hour job and no partner (or parents) to pick up the slack, at home.

That is, maybe the 40-hour workweek is a remnant of the old model of having a domestic partnership as the standard living unit — just from the “men’s” side, rather than the “women’s” side. I’ve written about trying to find anything good about being a woman, before, and how many of the crafts I’ve participated in while trying to be a woman, most likely will not financially support me (on their own).

I am, that is, striking out into a truly undefined space — not only in my personal gender identity. When it moves past who you see yourself to be, to how you’ll survive, that makes it real enough. I seriously don’t want to be a housewife and/or mother. And it doesn’t make sense to be a “bread-winner” when you don’t have a partner or children.

But I guess the thing that matters is to make enough money to support myself; not, to work 40 hours per week.

Of course, if I got the full-time position, it’s only for several months. I could try it out. I just know that what I did, would have to be something for which I have stamina. I’m seriously considering looking at Writing jobs, now. It’s something that I’m good at, and something I can easily work all day, at.

I also want to get deeper into coding and the technical side of Informa-tion Science, though: although I know for a fact that it’s tough, for me. (Or maybe I just did not have an optimal learning environment.) I did have to review the Order of Operations, just recently (PEMDAS: Parentheses, Exponents[/Roots], Multiplication/Division, Addition/ Subtraction). Yeah. Seventh-grade material (though to be honest, I can’t remember most of being in seventh grade). It came up in a coding quiz.

Apparently, later on in Chemistry and high-school math, I neglected to notice the fact that the numbers above and below a dividing line were often within parentheses, thus specifying that they were to be worked on, first (before being divided).

But hey: I’ve been told that PEMDAS doesn’t even apply in some Programming languages! It’s just a convention of notation so that people consistently get the same answer from the same written problem.

And then, then…there is the (English-language) writing. Writing, on this site; writing stuff that I really shouldn’t publish; writing for my 15 minutes per day; and writing my own Creative project. I had been putting the last off, because I was going to focus on it during the Summer if I didn’t get the 40-hour position (or maybe even if I did). But now I’m not taking that class (that’s about $1000 saved: you see why I was griping about tuition for online University classes, above), so I have no framework for my project, there.

An easy way to start, is to get back to reading — which I’m definite, will spur the writing. I don’t know exactly how it works; I just know that it does. As for why it’s easier for me to write, here: it’s probably just out of habit. The blog format is also like a journal format, which is psychologic-ally easier to grapple with, than making bad first drafts which one edits and rewrites and polishes into something that makes sense and is aesthetically pleasant (if that’s what it chooses to be).

I should also note that M is now presenting me with the possibility of pursuing a PhD. I’ve thought of it. Maybe it isn’t a bad idea. But if I do that, I need to take stock of my skills and desires: what do I already do that I love? The PhD is primarily a gateway to teaching at the postsecondary level…and maybe that is better than trying to deal with randos off the street. Maybe.

But the real issue may be that I would rather think, and accumulate and disseminate knowledge for a living, rather than work with my hands. And still, most of my reading is nonfiction. A life as a scholar is attractive, that is. The only difficult point is in dealing with people; though if it were on a topic I knew and understood and loved, maybe it could work.

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