Tag: creativity

Finding my way

May 28th, 2023

Alright. I think I can write now: I put in my three hours of Programming study, and I’ve run through two chapters on the more writing-and-reading-based Japanese-language learning app I’m using, which parallels the content of the speech-based app. Even though I wanted to write this post earlier today, I held off…and that’s probably a good thing in this case, because I can approach the question I needed to answer earlier, with a bit of certainty (instead of with a hunch).

I don’t want to do Data Science. I was correct in my intuition that it was heavily math-based, but I hadn’t had it confirmed to me, until today. If I go into Data Science, there is going to be a long road of mathematics classes ahead of me, before I become capable of working as a Data Scientist. That’s not to say that I’m terrible at Math. I have specifically social trauma around Math, because kids/teens didn’t understand how I could be so good at it and still be in this body.

Because of this, I only have, essentially, a High-School education in Math, except for Statistics, Financial Management, Accounting, and up-until-the-first-test in Differential Calculus. At the very least, I’d need more Statistics education (I still can’t remember what kurtosis means, or “R”, or the meaning or functionality behind Chi-Square analysis, though I’m sure I can look all of these up), along with Probability, Calculus, and Linear Algebra. In essence, that is the Sciences, not the Humanities.

This is all great, if I want to be a Data Scientist…but the demonstration of the application of coding to large data sets, etc., that I’ve worked through today, had me thinking back also to the Social Sciences.

You may recall that I initially wanted to be a Geologist specializing in Magmatics, switching to Sociology (with a particular interest in LGBTQ+ realities) once I found it existed. (I had a hard time growing up, and realized that I understood very little of what was actually going on, all those years. “Now,” I thought, “I have a chance to figure it out.”) After I found my Sociology classes to be too mainstream for me (we ended up studying things like how the dominant culture came to be dominant), I ended up switching to Creative Writing, going to my new University specifically to become a Writer.

Creative Writing is a Humanity — not a Hard or Soft Science — and based more in Art and (loosely speaking) Communication, than in Math. I switched to Creative Writing because I was under pressure to choose a major, and Writing was one of the only stable elements in my life, at the time.

I realized years later that Writing may have been stable for me, because I had trouble tolerating the world as it was; so to survive, I had to create a world I could live within. Writing was my way of externalizing that world instead of just living in my head. But as I’ve said, at some time, one has to come out of the cocoon.

And it’s really funny — maybe “funny” isn’t the word I’m looking for, more than “peculiar”, or “curious” — but I think a lot of writers have had trouble living in the world, and that’s why they write. If that weren’t the case, I don’t know why smoking and drinking have been so prevalent in the subculture. (Please note that I do not recommend smoking or drinking.)

The method of hypothesizing a connection between two (or more) different variables, and then testing that hypothesis, looks really similar between Data Science and Social Science.

Now that I know this, I can’t be shot down by under-informed people saying that you don’t need Math to be a Librarian. I’m not aiming to be, “a Librarian.” If you’ve been in the Public Library job market, you know that there is a specific type of person being sought, when the call is for, “a Librarian” (as versus, say, a “Systems Librarian” or a “Cataloger” or a “Metadata Technician”).

Generally, this means that one is good with people, an excellent communicator, very social, does not hesitate to reach out to all different types and walks and kinds of people, and is able and willing to talk and write to people constantly to connect them with information; or set up the next public gathering; or go out of their way to invite them into the context of the Library as a “third space” in which people can gather publicly without paying (much like schools, parks or community centers — or, if one is lucky enough to have it, a home).

I am not that person. I appreciate people like that, seriously; I got into the field because I aspired to that; but I’m not that person. And aspiring to be her, doesn’t change the fact that I’m not her, and am not going to magically become her.

I’m into books and the Internet to contact the rest of humanity, precisely because I have trouble interfacing with people. I may have been a Library patron for so long, exactly because I have trouble interfacing with people.

The profile I’ve seen widely given for “a Librarian”, in the Public Library sector, at least, does not cover the entirety of human variation — different personality types with different skill sets — who may gain a Library and/or Information Science degree. If I go into this field at all, now, I know that I am most likely to succeed in something like, specifically, Cataloging, or Digitization, or something else in the back room. And that, specifically, because I’m not highly social and don’t desire to be highly social.

I got into Library Science because I was interested in reading, locating and accessing Information, and the game of research. I really don’t care that some patrons think I’m the embodiment of a Librarian stereotype who is just waiting to release “her” unbridled libido.

That’s until I become averse to said patrons.

But avoiding people — specifically avoiding this dynamic, and specifically removing me from a situation in which I experience so much social anxiety that I have to take medication to manage it — in this job market, doesn’t seem to leave me a lot of options (if I want to work in the Library field). I’m really uncertain that I even want to touch trying to endure sexual harassment, at this point — and it seems that every Professional I broach this with, knows what I’m talking about.

Happily, there is something adjacent that I can do, which I have had training in, and which I already know I like, and that is Web Development.

I can’t be definite about this, but I think that if I become a Web Developer, I will run across fewer of the dynamics I want to avoid, and have greater measures to address said behavior, when it does come up.

From my Web Design class in the Library Science program, I already have a base to work from with HTML5/CSS3. I will have to review, but why not? It’s not hard! As well, working through Python 3 (or restarting it and working the rest of the way through), should help me in learning JavaScript. I have some (not particularly great) experience with XML and know that it can be converted into XHTML or HTML for Web display. I have had some high-level exposure to SQL and Apache through Database Design. I know about PHP, though I haven’t learned much of anything about it yet — I only know that it’s a server-side language, and that it’s powerful.

But if the biggest hurdle here is being able to work directly with servers, I’d say I’m doing pretty good.

The most apparent key here is that I’ve been involved with a lot of creative work; from Writing, to both Digital and traditional Art. I did even take — now that I look at it — at least six classes which can apply to Graphic Design in Undergrad, not including any of the multiple classes I took in Grad School which can apply to Web Development.

So…maybe it was not a mistake to focus on Digital Services, during my time in grad work (though I thought that it was when they wanted to put me on the Chat app). Like maybe it was not a mistake to major in Creative Writing, or to take extensive classes in Art.

One of the things I realized when my most recent course was comparing/contrasting class pathways (the second half of the course was essentially an orientation), is the fact that most of my chosen education has had me building things — if not stories, artworks. And I’m told that Web Development is a good path, if one actually likes to build things!
Prism

May 15th, 2023

This is just…it just feels strange. For the past week or two, I’ve been trying to get on track with various…well, ways to spend my time constructively. So I’ve been participating in classes, and investigating whether I even want to take the classes, which has the effect of drawing me out of a contemplative mood (and into a responsive one).

One of the things I’ve found, though: when I’m learning, I get very engaged. I’ve been reading a number of books relating to story structure…none of which, am I all the way through. I am lucky, however, in that I’ve been able to learn certain principles relating to Critical Thinking which keep me from being drawn in by tautologies (as in, a story is what I define it to be, or it isn’t [defined as] a story [to me]. Apologies for the lyrics: they weren’t intentional [but I’m not deleting them]).

I can also spot pop-psychology being passed off as fact (or at least, as valuable theory). Both of these have come up in one of my readings, which I’m not going to name right now, because I don’t want to be pushed to defend myself.

I understand that different modes of thinking about something as messy as Creative Writing, are pretty much inevitable; but attempting to apply an Ancient Greek lens to all work…all work…well, I can see that my viewpoint is not, “traditional,” and that forcing this Author’s/Editor’s lens on my work would amount to a misreading. This is not a person I would want to submit my work to, that is.

There are a number of qualms I have with the book I’m speaking about. It’s very formulaic. I’m reading it primarily to assure myself that I don’t want to take the class the author gives, and to see what — if anything — of value I can glean from his thoughts.

At the same time, I recall Meander, Spiral, Explode, which goes over alternate story patterns than the traditional one I was taught in school, which looks a lot like a model of climax. Meander, Spiral, Explode is probably best read along with the books it references as examples, however.

Then there is Craft in the Real World, which is a critique of the academic Creative Writing establishment from a PoC (apparently, Asian male) perspective. It’s interesting, but I’ve read (in a review) that the author never really paves out a solution to the problems he has encountered. Still, raising the question (of why Creative Writing in Academia is, philosophically, so White-Cis-Het-Male-[add-dominant-status-here]-centric) is the first step to remediating it.

Neither of the latter, have I finished so far.

I have also heard within the last 48 hours, someone expressing the idea of creating a character and then, “putting my words in their mouth,” to paraphrase. The repetition of this by family indicates that they don’t understand my own writing process.

This gets back to the point I was attempting to talk about before, as relates to building a character from the inside-out, rather than building a character from the outside-in.

Granted, I don’t get into all of that in this post…because it’s a lot to explain. My work is less puppeteering, more method-acting. I want to get into it; but it requires an amount of mental heavy-lifting that I didn’t expect to enter into, today. It would take days, at least, to express my thoughts fully and cogently to someone who doesn’t know me, in writing. And actually, I could probably write on this topic, on its own, for quite a while.

Maybe what I’m meaning to get at is the idea that a good number of people don’t necessarily take the care I’d like, when they create characters and character motivation. Granted that creativity is not even parallel to reality (it can’t be, if it isn’t a straight line…and in my experience, creativity is more spreading and mossy, than geometric).

One of the things that really drew me to manga and anime in the first place, is the fact that the characters — particularly antagonistic characters — in my experience, tended to be better thought-out and more relatable than most Western antagonists, who tended to be the way they were, “just ‘cause.”

I haven’t read any Murakami (to my memory), however, to reference a famous counterexample. Some have found issues in his characterization, particularly for female characters as a group existing only as the male characters wished. I can also think of examples of some pretty bad anime where the above generalization doesn’t hold, possibly related to the fact that the premise of the anime itself is a mess and the investment of the characters comes off as false…often not helped, by the voice actors.

I’m fairly certain that the relatively believable character motivations relate abstractly to the cultural ideal that everything that exists relies on causes and conditions which bring it into existence. When those causes and conditions change, their outcome changes. This thought I was first exposed to via Buddhism, but whether it originated in folk knowledge or is specifically Buddhist in nature, I don’t know.

This is as versus the idea that some people are “evil” just because they feel like it; i.e., they were created that way by some other being, or made the choice not to act, “correctly” (assuming they know what, “correct,” is, or how or why it is, “correct,” or care about the rationale as to why it is, “correct”).

The idea, that is, is not that the human world is dysfunctional, its norms are dysfunctional, and this character is the way they are because they have intergenerational trauma, they’ve suffered, they don’t ultimately understand why, and they can’t cope with existing in this world in a harmonic and nondestructive way…but I’d say that the latter is closer to reality, on many fronts.

Of course, that expands the scope of culpability from the ultra-individualistic actor, to the entire society. And we’re trying to sell this story, to society.

I’ve never really gotten into a study of the dominant Western ideas of evil or the origin of evil; it turns me off, for multiple reasons. Prime among them is the fact that I can’t see the people who wrote the work ostensibly about studying or defining the, “evil,” as in any way, “good.” It’s more likely, in my experience, that they are scapegoating others, inventing absolute villains, and writing political propaganda; and there is the very real question of why I would want to waste any of my precious life, listening to that.

Remember, this is coming from someone who has repeatedly asked, “why not read,” any particular text to which I’ve had access. But crap in written form, is still crap (this is one of the rare times you’ll see me swear on this blog: there’s no way around it). Did it encourage death and harm to innocent people? Why are we still listening to it?

The upshot of the Buddhist idea of anatman, or as loosely and perhaps antagonistically translated, “no-soul”…(I’m not getting into Robert Spence Hardy [again] here, though I now realize I may have written about him in some Academic context, not on this blog)…is that it becomes far easier to retain compassion for people or characters one may not agree with. There is a cause (or multiple causes) and a path that brought them to whatever point at which, one may observe them. Not all of their circumstances are of their own choosing. This can lead an antagonistic character ultimately to become a tragic character.

I think it’s safe to say, however, that what I mean by, “soul,” may be qualitatively different from the idea of, “soul,” or atman, as negated in some thousands-of-years-old version of anatman. There may be no duality between “soul” and “no-soul”, as what we are talking about may be closer to the present-day idea of identity, especially the continuation of identity, between lives. Identity is not the same thing as essence. Identity can be fluid, even within one life.

I’ve written out a bunch of material on this, which is unpublished. I’m not sure I want to get into it again, right now. It takes a lot of effort to explain, and could use expansion/fleshing out on some (many) points (such as the actual Hindu idea[s?] of atman, which I have not been able yet to access [and truly understand]…though understanding may be much easier, given hyperlinking, than I’ve thought). Plus, I’m not even confident my thought is a truth, rather than intuition on the page.

But I could very well use it as an organizing principle for the story I’m hoping to work on, in the near future.

I began this post talking about entering into a lot of different teaching environments, which has the effect of deliciously diversifying what my brain is engaging with, on a day-to-day basis. That’s still going on, on top of researching and applying for jobs (and it is so rare to hear back from anyone). What I’m finding is that writing and posting, now takes me out of my new routine. The latter is still (probably) a good thing: as I mentioned recently, it helps when writing, to have something to write, about.

It also helps, though, to have a (constant) writing routine established. The closest thing I have to that right now, is the 15 minutes of free-writing which I’m attempting to accomplish every day, with mixed success (though I am writing, most days). The thing about free-writing — where you write anything that comes to mind, just so long as you keep writing — is that it will show you what you really want to write about. It will break down the psychic walls that are reinforced in Editing.

Even 15 minutes a day can be tough, when I’m working on other, simultaneous, written projects (this blog, my beadwork blog [and site], my current unpublished in-progress Fiction project — and until I realized I didn’t want to do it, a submission to an online Literary Magazine) and haven’t yet satisfactorily solved the problem of consistently tracking my time with them.

For that matter, it can be difficult to really intentionally reach into myself and find these characters and build a world and have them spill themselves to me. The “woo” factor is not absent, which — I gather — is why it is unusual to see anyone writing about a process like my own. But at least with blogging and free-writes, I am keeping some kind of a channel and skill-based practice going.

My major problem, at this point, is how to avoid throwing out my schedule for a day, and devoting it all to writing…let alone, devoting it all to writing on my blog! But this practice actually does get me to clarify (and process) my thoughts. Spirit willing, someday it will be as easy to delve into my own Fiction writing (and retain my emotional health at the same time), as it is to blog…
Intuitive metaphysics

April 29th, 2023

I’ve mentioned before that I may very well be at core a Pantheist. I’ve migrated to this position from once having been a Pantheist/Panentheist, though looking at the below, I seem to be exhibiting Panentheist traits. (This is even though I’ve — philosophically — wanted to shy away from Dualism, or a Matter/Spirit division.) Pantheism, to repeat, is the belief that the “Universe” (disregarding the Universe/Multiverse debate; what I mean is the totality of what is) is the body of the Divine. Panentheism is the belief that the Universe is the body of the Divine, but the Divine is also more. In this case, I’m postulating that, “more,” as Awareness (to be inclusive of lifeforms like plants, which do exhibit direct signs of response to stimuli).

If what exists is the body of the Divine, that means everything in existence is a part of the Divine. Life itself exists in and is nurtured by a field of Spirit (which simply may be nonlocal in nature/external to the 4-dimensional reality we live in: 3-D Space + Time). This means we are all part of and inheritors of the Divine; the idea of “soul” references back to this field as a particular instance of the effect of Spirit interfacing with Life.

If Spirit is one thing which gives a spark of Awareness to many things, it follows that a person also has that spark within themselves, and can experience many parts of themselves. It gives a framework for what may happen to the spirit of a plant when it is divided, and its cuttings regenerate into separate plants. It’s no problem; all Spirit is one Spirit.

This also has implications for what happens after we die (absent a supernatural religious explanation), around which I only hear, “Trust.”

Innumerable and exponential increases in the numbers of lives and deaths, and hence the numbers of immortal souls to populate the afterlife, doesn’t make sense: especially when one sees that life essentially recycles itself. Neither does a Heaven or Hell that is focused around personal desires or personal pains, make sense: the world isn’t about any one of us, personally. If anyone is about us, it’s us. Self-generated worlds explain this.

What is outside of us are near-infinite expressions of the Divine (I’m not going to get into the argument that what is “near-infinite” is also infinitely small compared to the infinite; it’s a turn of phrase), and what is inside of us, also has the potential to be plural. That’s natural, and nothing to be alarmed about, in and of itself.

The connection to the Divine means that anyone or anything that could exist outside of us — depending upon our range of life experience and capacity/permissiveness for imagination — we could also experience in our minds. This is where fictional characters may develop. Reading Fiction is a form of guided intellectual play. I think imagination developed as a way to practice thinking through what we would do in potential, abstracted, life situations.

Ultimately, this is the root of where I’m coming from, with my creativity. I had forgotten about it. Then I began writing about it, and the material began to come back to me — complete; or, reasonably so. This is the current status of my, “God Project,” which started early on, when at the prompting of a Counselor, I attempted to decipher what the Divine was, specifically, to me.

I had also pushed this off to the side, because there are a lot of people who really misunderstand this function of the human mind.

But as there’s a Universe outside, there can be a Universe inside which is no less valid. I’ve seen people misunderstand this to mean that, “all stories happen in some Universe,” which I would not endorse. This is because I know what it is to grow a story. It isn’t real. Thinking it is real, is a path to 1) constrained storytelling (how do you edit something that, “really happened?”), and, 2) delusion.

Delusion is, technically, having fixed, false, idiosyncratic beliefs about reality that are held to even in the face of evidence to the contrary. You see the power of religion, there: if a belief is fixed and false but common, it technically isn’t a delusion. And there, we get into Politics, which — as an extension of other people’s institutional power and control — should have no place in Metaphysics.

In my opinion.

As I wrote before, reality is different than Fiction, because Fiction is a creative product. Creativity doesn’t have to match reality. I could write a story about soul transmigration and it wouldn’t have to be literally true to be well-made. It wouldn’t even have to be what I honestly believed: because it’s Fiction.

The point of Fiction is not to be literally true. Often, it is a vehicle to say something beyond itself — and from experience, I know that those messages often aren’t amenable to being directly spoken.

How this topic came to me, at all? When I was younger and thinking I was a baby Medium (I’m not married to that status anymore, but sometimes my own thoughts and history make me pause), I would at times let my “spirits” flow out through my body.

And then, as now, I tell whether they’re here, by how I feel in my body. Right now I have a familiar feeling which happens when I wax poetic about spirituality, outside of a religious context. It’s a really nice feeling. It makes me feel like I’m going to be alright. Whomever I’ve contacted, feels entirely benevolent; this is not true of everyone.

But…I was thinking about this as I was writing about character design. I used to not really associate my personal bodily appearance with who I was, on the inside. This led to an extended period when I would intentionally look at myself when passing reflective surfaces and think, “oh, is that what I look like?” Then I started trying to conduct these specific energies out through my body, to see what they would look like, if they were me — how they would wear this body.

If I’m looking at how a specific, “spirit,” wears, “this body,” (or any body, for that matter) that could give me a clue as to how to draw or illustrate my characters. They don’t have a choice over the bodies they’re born into, or the families or circumstances they’re born into; but they do have a choice over how they wear their bodies, and, how they deal with those circumstances.

And those bodies and circumstances, are up to me, to supply…
Diversification

April 6th, 2023

Those of you who have been following this blog for a while have probably noticed my drop in frequency where it comes to posting. A number of reasons help explain this, but most evident on my end is the sheer amount of time I’ve been spending writing and revising, to the detriment of other areas of my life.

Particularly, those, “other areas,” include making efforts to move on with my life into a new — and I should specify, desirable — job (not just the jobs that pop up on my doorstep), developing my writing practice outside of the blog format, and seriously, focusing on cultivating myself.

Reading books is one of those outlets I just haven’t been engaging, which — when done — helps tremendously with inspiring Writing…though I’m getting back on studying both English-Language-as-Craft, and Information Science. “Information Science” is coming second, as I realize just how much poor writing on the topic is out there; and you can see that I didn’t call it, “Library Science.” Maybe I don’t want to air the reasons why, right here and now…it’s an issue.

I’m a little bitter. Ten years of labor and nothing to show for it in Retirement will do that to you (granted I’m not sure when I realized that my post was not intended to be a long-term position, and that the type of work I was doing might not prepare me for the type of work I realistically wanted to do or could tolerate).

In my experience on WordPress, I’ve found plenty of other blogs posting high-quality material with only occasional updates. I am also not fond of playing to the algorithm and posting 2-3 times a week, in order to get more Views (with, then, a higher chance of more Likes and Follows). That’s especially the case when I don’t feel like being social.

If I look at that frequency of posting and I measure how long it takes for me to conceptualize, write, edit, and post any one quality entry (I mean, “quality,” as in, “could be in the running for traditional Publishing”)…I could easily work all week on this blog. I am paying WordPress; they are not paying me. The question then arises of why I dump so much time into it, especially when I’m then literally using my own First Publishing Rights and have nothing unique to offer a Publisher, who could pay me or earn me prestige.

The quick disappearance of Views after the first three days of posting is also…I guess I should say, a disappointment. For all of this, I could be taking longer in development and working outside the blog format, then seeing my name in print, in someone else’s publication. (With my permission only, let’s specify.)

That, in turn, would be to my credit if I decided I actually wanted to become Creative Writing faculty at a four-year institution, or an Academic Librarian liaising with the Creative Writing and English Departments, both of which require Master’s level training. To get into Master’s level training, I’d likely need a history of publication.

(I don’t think blogs count.)

I can also then take my time and write out my own personal journal entries…in which I can fully elucidate what I’m saying, for my own future benefit. There is only so much that I feel comfortable posting on the Web, and as I get older, that percentage shrinks. Twenty or so years ago, I felt much more unfettered, but then — at that time, my prefrontal cortex wasn’t fully developed.

Whether blogging itself can be considered, “Social Media,” I’m not sure at this point; and maybe there is no consensus; but I do know that it has served as a poultice for my lack of social engagement over the last three years. The grip of that isolation has started to loosen, however…and it’s readily apparent to me as a person who has participated in fully online as well as in-person classes, that the experiences are entirely different.

Sitting and watching a screen and listening through headphones, is not the same thing as actually being together with someone. It’s a lot safer — and when separation for safety purposes is required, it can be a more-informative option than a telephone, and can ease risk of contagion. But it isn’t a great long-term solution, when what you actually want to be doing is just sitting next to your friend and talking to them. We develop ways to digitize our interactions, but nothing will fully replace what we’re trying to replicate. There are ways to ease collaboration, but seriously…some of these classes really need in-person instruction, and in-the-moment feedback and correction.

I should say, be as safe as you can, if you’re meeting with other people: it has been three years, and I know many people are at their wit’s end with isolation. But there are ways to realistically reduce unnecessary risk, that can help protect you, the ones you care about, and your broader community.

As regards Writing… this overlaps with my current psychological struggles, which indicates why I’m drawing away from it. Essentially, I’ve observed a theme of stagnation and looking back towards the past, in my work. This is what I wrestled with in my last draft of the last major project I worked on (late 2022), and it’s an issue not only there, but also across the broader range of my psyche, outside of writing. Multiple members of my family have noticed the same pattern going on in other relatives, as well.

At this point, there are a few ways to manage the issue. One, I could abandon work on this project entirely and begin a new one. Two, I could work on this project and actively work in the theme of replay/rumination/stagnation, though it would get repetitive after a while (it’s already repetitive, for me: this is why I have had trouble starting on a specific writing prompt that I have not yet begun to unravel, on paper. I just don’t want to see it [again] right now, after I’ve dealt with it for years). Three, I could attempt to be present to the current moment at the same time as I relate this story which I began about 25 years ago — the last of which appears to be mental gymnastics, and not particularly safe for deep-diving without SCUBA.

I believe that I really do need to get back to reading and writing, if I do have a goal of being a Literary or Speculative Fiction author. My motivation essentially petered out on the Carol Lloyd book, Creating A Life Worth Living, as I realized that I was not willing to sacrifice my health (including mental health) and wellness and income for some mystical notion of a creative mission. Delusions aren’t worth it. They evaporate way too easily; and holding to them keeps one stuck.

I mention that, because I’ve fallen off of the 15-minutes-of-writing-per-day that I assigned myself. I need to get back on it, even if I don’t “believe in” the book, anymore (which I had to, provisionally, in order to even have a chance of getting anything out of it). Plenty of people say to get 15 minutes of writing in per day, every day, if one wants to become a writer. I’d say I don’t want to become a Writer; I am a Writer; the question is whether I’ll ever publish.

The idea of surviving to fulfill a mystical creative mission helps, when you’re suicidal and unwell and need some reason to keep staying alive. When you realize that you are so much more than simply your creativity, it becomes less important. I think this may relate to my own gender, “stuff,” more than I had acknowledged, prior. But there is a difference between, “being creative,” and, “repeating negative thoughts.” These are not the same thing; the latter can obliterate the former. And I need to be less stagnant.

Gender…and spirituality: this is a complicated topic for me. I…really do wonder whether some form of — maybe out-and-out — Pantheism is where I’m at. Pantheism is the recognition of reality as the body of the Divine, in my lexicon; though you’ll likely see it referred to as the Universe being the body of the Divine. (I’ve stepped back from the latter idea because of the entire Universe/Multiverse conflict, which in my opinion are different words describing the same ultimate reality, which exists whether we name it or not. But I’m not a Theoretical Physicist, and I would believe most of us aren’t; so I’m not in any sense qualified to judge the issue.)

I haven’t found a lot written on Pantheism, but apparently there are some Christian ideas around it (though it is not exclusively Christian). It has been around long enough to have a Dewey Decimal code of “147”, under “Specific philosophical schools”, though I’ve only ever found two books on it (neither of which, I’ve read: they were in University libraries to which I did not have direct access). I’d associate it with Transcendentalism as a social movement, or Muir (and the Sierra Club)…but that’s reaching way back into the history of my education, and into my original inclination of becoming a Geologist (which I abandoned once I discovered that Social Sciences existed, and that there were gigantic unaddressed social problems I had lived through).

The idea of a Goddess of Life, or Goddess of Earth, appeals to me, especially upon realizing that all life on this planet is dependent upon the functioning of the Earth. The dynamism of the inner Earth is what generates the magnetic field which preserves the atmosphere and ultimately, the oceans (which might otherwise be obliterated by the Solar Wind)…and the oceans are likely the cradle of life.

I know that my draw — abstractly, at least — to the Goddess imagery, likely has something to do with various males trying to appropriate my fertility and its power. I’m not meaning to refer to people from within the transgender community: I’m talking about people who have tried to take my fertility and make it my own enemy, by doing things like equating my ultimate worth as a person to my sexual desirability and availability (to them).

That’s not a good way of flirting. And I have had some issues over this, where it comes to self-beautification: specifically, jewelry (as much makeup is extraneous and unnecessary). The point is that I should not have to refrain from being beautiful so that I don’t have to deal with men and boys who can’t handle their testosterone and have few social skills.

I’m still not planning on having children, but having the core ability to have a child, period: that’s a responsibility that has weighed on me since puberty. It’s not a concern that someone without a uterus, has.

I don’t strongly identify with the cultural construction of, “womanhood,” especially in 21st-century U.S. culture, but I am definitely female and would likely feel divested from some part of myself, or that some part of myself were hidden, if I transitioned to male. Bringing that back in as a male-appearing person, would make me unavoidably openly nonbinary. That, in turn, would be a difficult life, and I’ve had enough of that without encouraging it more.

For a large part of what I’d say was my connection to my own sense of femaleness: I felt that if I would not bring children into the world, I could still create and bring other things into the world, like my writing. But there are some things that should definitely be spoken, and some things in my mind which would only harm other people — possibly in the way they’ve harmed me. It’s nearly impossible to imagine what one has never seen or dreamed could be, and though that looks like a tautology…it’s noticeable that the story I thought up as a youth, is in its essence much more clotted than the stories I see, now. That’s basically due to the nature of the zeitgeist I grew up within.

So maybe it’s time to move on past 14-year-old me, and see what 41-year-old me, can do.

And like I wrote above: my creativity is not my only aspect. It may not even be my dominant aspect, at this point: to preserve my own creative freedom, I’ll have to rely on something other than the marketability of my stories. The positive thing is that I have other skills, and I can build on those other skills.

I may want to set up a plan for that…
Information Technology

January 26th, 2023

There are numerous reasons why it’s a good idea (for me, at least) to work towards gaining technical skills, where it comes to computing and networks. I’ve actually found a really nice job opportunity…which is more on the side of Information Technology, than Information Science. I’ve also been considering joining a group which covers both of those fields.

I’m not sure if I want to explain the differences between the two terms right now; or the opening I found…but it gives me hope. Essentially, I’m looking at a job in which I could be trained — and paid to be trained — instead of having to seek out Professional Development or relevant education on my own, outside of an employment situation. I wouldn’t even have thought to look at it, but began poring through some open Civil Service jobs, and got curious about this one.

As I heard recently, it would be good to question the idea I’m having trouble with: that it isn’t possible to be creative without large moral sacrifice. It is actually very nice to expand my view where it comes to what I’m willing to try.

What I’m looking at now — instead of having a mystical creative mission be my actual job and working to feed myself with something I don’t care about, or dislike, or which will eat up all of my time — is putting the job search and the job training (including on-the-job training) first, and dealing with my creative bent on my own time and on my own terms.

I’ve been trying to figure out how important it is to me to center my life around my creativity, as versus getting a good job and being creative on my off-hours. It just means that there is a shift in priorities and self-image from those I’ve been dealing with since I was 17. And my undergraduate degree doesn’t need to define me; it was just the best choice I could make, at the time.

I don’t think I really need to have big projects, in order to satisfy my creative impulses. For a long time, even just writing on WordPress has been an outlet that…well, has worked. (Those who have been following me for a long time, know that this is neither my first nor second blog on this platform; I’ve just taken the others down.)

If it meant that I had to take a low-end job that I hated and which wasted my talents, in order to lead, “a creative life,” on my off-hours, I’d drop the focus on creativity and work towards a better situation. That doesn’t mean I would stop being creative; it means that I’d channel it in a different way. Very possibly, a noncommercial way.

Using that type of angle, it becomes apparent that what I do in my off hours does not have to be something I can turn around into cash. In other words, I could work with beads, or write, or sew, and have a stable financial footing so that I would not have to sell my jewelry, or my writing (or become a seamstress). These would then literally be, “hobbies.”

It just seems like it would be much more of a stable, and less anxiety-inducing, life. Of course, work would likely not be free of anxiety, and would take up a lot of my free energy and concentration, at times — in addition to the occasional zero-day crisis. But I’m very interested in the fact that this is an entry-level job where I’d be trained, and it would likely be away from the public. I’m also aware, from having family in the Tech industry, how much of this work may be done, “winging it” — dealing with issues as they pop up, and not necessarily knowing what to do about them, beforehand.

I don’t know how far my thinking that computers and what can be done with them are, “cool,” will get me, when it comes to actually having to grapple with Information Technology. Nor do I know why I’m attracted to doing things which are hard, just because they’re hard. Maybe D’s attraction to puzzles has rubbed off on me.

But I’m looking now at actually getting back to Python training, and playing around with my Math skills to build confidence and refresh my memory. I do remember having griped about that last class, for a while. But if I worked with someone in-person who could train me (and understand where I’m having trouble), as versus essentially trying to learn this on my own through readings, videos, and the Internet, things might be different.

It might be good to look for other entry-level Information Technology jobs, as well; training in this would likely complement my Information Science knowledge, nicely. I might even be able to write training material which makes sense to a person who starts out in the Humanities (as versus a lot of what I’ve read).

I now have two jobs lined up, that I need to apply for…let’s set the timer for three weeks, and see what happens.
Confessional

December 25th, 2022

I think M is right: that I am in “survival mode” right now. I’m surviving, though what else I’m doing, is questionable. Speaking of that, though: I have been working through Creating a Life Worth Living, by Carol Lloyd.

What I haven’t been so great about is the, “Daily Action,” something small and consistent to do every day which I wouldn’t normally do, and which is in line with my creative goals. I had been doing a free-write every day, but somehow that turned from, “free-writing 15 minutes every day,” into, “writing at least 15 minutes every day,” which is obviously enough, different.

Free-writing is writing anything that comes to mind, and not stopping. It’s an exercise in not-editing. Writing, however, has a more targeted focus, depending on what I’m writing about. For at least several days…I’ve been doing targeted writing, whether it’s for this blog, or trying to process personal stuff that has come up because of engaging my own Fiction writing, or trying to re-vision the Fiction in order to constrain my “multitudes” (to reference Whitman) into believable portions.

I am, that is, having a difficult time separating my personal process writing, or problem-solving writing, from my other writing. And do I not write enough, as it is? Do I need to add more writing, to it? After all, even if I did go ahead with a job as some kind of Editor, and worked on my own personal writing during downtime (should I have any; I believe Editors are charged with doing their reading on their off-hours), I would need a nonlinear respite from all the language. This is the reason why I believe the Art will remain in my life for the foreseeable future. And possibly, the more I have to read, the more I will need to do Art.

Maybe I should change the Creative Action to, “draw (or paint) for 15 minutes every morning,” or something similar. This is especially as I seem to have hit a snag where it comes to my own emotional health, combined with writing out a reflection of my own internal state: which I didn’t realize was going to be a reflection of my own internal state. I have been wanting to get up at 10 AM, but keep falling back to sleep because I have no reason to stay up.

What about if I get up at 10 AM to draw, or paint, in the morning light? (D says to eat, and do a little exercise, first.)

In Chapter 7 of Creating a Life Worth Living, Lloyd writes: “…if you feel a lot of fear while you are thinking through a given plan, that may well be a sign that you have hit something exciting.” (p. 159) In that chapter, she asks the reader to think out three separate life paths, as well as consider what one wants out of life aside from career goals. I think this is the first time someone has asked me to think out what I want from life, since high school.

Now that I think of it, the lull in my production could relate to doing most of the work this book is throwing at me, and having decided to actually put energy into self-care. Projecting myself into possible futures (or, at least thinking about doing so) really isn’t the most stress-relieving activity, you know? Not to mention that yesterday I exercised for the first time in a week…and that can take up a lot of time and energy, especially if one needs to thoroughly bathe, afterward.

I just haven’t been taking care of myself very well, recently.

I’m also thinking that, “doing what I love,” is going to be a scary thing, at least initially; particularly because the only thing that falls into this category that I wrote out (for Chapter 6’s activity) is painting. Painting isn’t just putting paint on a canvas. It’s visually producing an image which is a window into one’s personal state. At least, that’s where I’m coming from. (I did order a book which is apparently on Art Theory which says a bunch of nothing about, “what Art is,” which, along with the literal book, What Art Is, is making me think that I shouldn’t pay attention to Art critics, either.)

Painting also, at least initially, is not a financially secure way to earn a living. It also would seem to require that I get out of the house to see and find things to paint — and possibly, renew my own Art training. (Then there is the question of how to get that Art out in front of people who both desire it, and have the money to buy it…which is not all that different from what I might have to do as a craftsperson selling jewelry IRL, now that I think of it. Maybe I could do both???)

There’s also the problem of what happens if I need to work into my old age (which, without a massive re-envisioning of Social Security, is likely), and end up losing my sight (which is possible, but not necessarily going to happen)…which, I suppose, would mean that I would just need to change my medium, or otherwise adapt.

Typing, I can do blind: which is a big reason I initially gravitated towards Writing. I could also do Ceramics (lovely and primarily tactile), or Music (auditory): two things I grew up with. The acoustic guitar is currently my instrument of choice, but I just got up the nerve to play it again, tonight. And that was because of the influence of one of my characters…who started out as a dream-being, and is currently a musician. Oddly enough, it fits…without my consciously having realized it.

The guitar (the real one) hasn’t gone that out of tune; I wonder if D has been secretly tuning it.

I had stopped practice due to posture issues plus, “you’re never going to be able to support yourself doing this,” issues — but it was mostly, posture. My body is aging, and maybe that was the beginning of, “no you cannot sit on the floor ever again.” (I took away the all-caps for the sensitively inclined.) If I’m working creatively primarily to keep myself balanced, however, it doesn’t really matter if I can “make money at it” or not. Sanity is worth more than money, after all.

I do keep having dreams (many dreams) about going to music stores…though getting a 3/4 (or 1/2) size guitar is likely going to have to wait until I get comfortable enough with the illness situation, to actually go in and play the guitars. Every guitar has a different voice, which depends on a lot of things: being the same brand, doesn’t mean all that much. The most obviously changeable part of that voice has to do with the strings, which I found out over 20 years ago, while picking sounds out of different guitars at Subway.

And yes, I am dreading the next time one of those strings breaks. Do I want to go back to Subway?

“Well, yes, actually. I just don’t want to get sick.”

That’s honest.

I also keep being attracted to mandolins, for some reason…

Though drawing and painting use different skills than the above, I do seem to remember seeing works by color-blind artists, as well as by painters who were losing their vision. It doesn’t necessarily have to end things. It’s just that I recognize that the ability to use all of one’s senses and physical capabilities as one wants to, is a privilege; not a guarantee. It probably wasn’t best to encounter that thinking for the first time, in Undergraduate training…

Of course, I’d love to get back into Art classes. The major issue — besides the obvious, of how to stay well when sickness is prevalent (if not for my own sake, then for my family’s) — is getting to classes. I still don’t drive, but that’s mostly because I’m concerned about road rage and accidents.

There is a lot going on in my life, which is incompletely done. Part of that is learning to take care of myself. I try and remember that I do have a disability that is thoroughgoing enough to have disrupted my early adult life — and that life has been disrupted enough that the disability itself, can’t be hidden (even if I am functioning enough now to be, more or less, in recovery).

Because I have the disability, I will basically be much better off if I maintain mental health care coverage, for the rest of my life: given that the mental health care system in this country remains compassionate and not punitive (to the tune of, “well, if you just acted like a normal person, you wouldn’t be so ill” — like that helps? “If you weren’t so ill, you wouldn’t be so ill”?). The issue with health insurance was more severe before the Affordable Care Act, when I was put onto a medication which had not yet had its patent expire, and which would have been out of my financial reach without health insurance. What was within my financial reach probably would have worked, but it would also have put me at increased risk of lifelong neural dysfunction.

So what I’m essentially doing now is cleaning up after all the years in which I didn’t know who I was, or what I was doing, or why (well, why is obvious: to make money so I would be able to afford healthcare, and so I wouldn’t become homeless, be forced to marry a person I didn’t desire for survival, or have to work in an environment in which I was disrespected).

There is a lot that I’m learning, from doing the activities in Creating a Life Worth Living…particularly where it comes to realizing how well (or poorly) I have thought out some of my options. On looking back across several job options I listed out for a recent exercise, I realize that having control over what I do create, is relatively high on my list of priorities.

The major reason I initially didn’t go into Graphic Design, after all, is that I didn’t want someone else making executive decisions over my work: especially when they didn’t know what they wanted, how to communicate it, or anything about Art or Design. This is also the reason I stopped pursuing the idea of making custom handcrafts: it’s just not worth it to try and people-please (especially when they’re people I don’t know, and especially when it comes to the image they want to project). Now that I think of it, this is also why I dropped a screenplay class featuring writing-by-committee; I didn’t want to deal with the social rules and hierarchy which made my ideas worthless when spoken from me, but gold when repeated by a white male classmate.

The only thing I wish is that they hired a better person to teach that class.

It seems that recently, doing one or two things for the day is the most I can bet on handling. I know I want to get back into my Buddhism reading, as it is probably going to help, over the long term. I also want to get back into reading on Art and art technique; especially as I can seriously play with abstractions (more easily) now, with the acrylic gouache.

The issue with the Buddhist interest (that is presently stopping me from doing that, and encouraging me to write here, instead): it brings into clarity my knowledge that, unless I die first, I’ll have to expect to outlive the people around me. It’s stupidly simple. If I die first, I can’t do much about that. But I need to be gaining skills and preparing to outlive the people around me, just in case it happens that I don’t die. Living is harder! For most of my life, I’ve not even really considered that I might survive, and that the thing to do is to prepare to survive. Not, to prepare to die.

That’s a pretty radical change of focus, and I can tell it hasn’t even fully taken hold, yet. The reason for me to write is to leave some mark on culture so that part of my experience is passed on — so that someone (hopefully, someone worthy) learns from it. I don’t wish to bear children, though I’m not sure how much of that is just my own gender stuff (I have no desire to be a mother — to children, or to a husband), and how much of it is sexuality stuff (the cause of which, I still don’t entirely understand).

So my relevant creations lie in my art and in my written work, not in raising one or more other individuals. In that sense, being a creative person is ingrained…and it lends more spiritual importance to my actually engaging with the work. I’m pretty sure that Lloyd would refer to this as part of my own “Mystic” creative type, popping up.

So yes, maybe it is relevant, to look back at my Buddhism texts. Even if I don’t want to be reminded of the temporary, and often painful, nature of life.

There are other things I want to do…particularly with my paints and brushes. And, beads. There is literally nothing stopping me. Nothing physical, at least…
Experiential learning

December 14th, 2022

There are some things that you can’t really learn without engaging. I’ve been told that, at least since University; but it hasn’t really cemented itself, until recently.

There was the last coding class I took, which showed me that I didn’t want to program…that it might even be better, intentionally to avoid having programming responsibilities. I’ve learned that I don’t seek out dealing with people, and don’t always know what to do with them; I’ve also learned that working on the back end of computerized systems isn’t all that great, either. What I learned is that I’m very much a creative person, and match a creative personality type…which, I guess, was a surprise. I’m not sure it should have been, with my initial (intentional) degrees being in Creative Writing and Art.

A little over a week ago, I began writing out a story with which…I am now, saturated. I’ve needed to take a break. The situation of the characters is so bleak, that I’m having a hard time re-engaging it — though I’ve got to remember that I am the master of the story, and I don’t have to make their lives (and my mind) so full of pathos. I have a tendency to focus on the negative, and I can see this trait coming out (big time) through my writing.

Working visually helps me get out of negative self-talk (a lot of which was finding voice in my drafts; maybe I should save a copy for history’s sake, and then get to work dismantling and re-envisioning it). What I did the day before yesterday, to break out of that spiral, was to get into the acrylic gouache I hadn’t yet substantially tried to mix.

A lot of this…has me wondering why the hesitance, when I actually do what it was that I for some reason was afraid to do, and it turns out, fine. Or, better than fine. I have a tendency to focus on colors and what I can do with them, more than the ostensible subject matter of a painting.

Late last month, I was on the verge of complex color mixing (then got derailed). Apparently, this color mixing is so complex, that…the computer doesn’t quite know how to read it? Or display it? I’m not sure. What I can tell, from having the above swatch next to me, and from looking at what I was able to capture by a scan…they appear different.

There are subtle differences in color, that are not apparent in the above. Burgundy loses its violet and becomes practically indistinguishable from cherry-wood brown; two separate violets (one with a green tone that makes it just a hair less clear) appear nearly the same; a bluish green changes to a straight green; a ripened-lime green loses its yellow; straight Primary Yellow, looks duller and less orange; a bright red-orange, looks bluer and duller.

So there are benefits to working with traditional media as versus digital media; specifically, the true WYSIWYG is physical. And there are actually reasons why hand-painted works can be superior to at least CMYK prints or born-digital artifacts. (There is the Pantone conversation to be had! It’s just that, to the best of my knowledge, Pantone inks require professional printing…)

It’s possible that I might be able to tweak this image and try and figure out what the scanner is doing (or what my computer is doing) to dull these colors…of course, it would help if I knew what the adjustment layers actually did. That seems as though it might get into Computer Science — hence, math. I’m good at language (at least, written language, where I can think out my words and phrasing), I’m good at art; I’m not necessarily good at math, anymore!

I think it would also help if I were editing in CMYK, rather than in RGB. I still can’t visualize in additive color.

It’s kind of strange to see certain authors (I’m thinking specifically of Betty Edwards, here) consider color-mixing to be an analytical (and not an intuitive) task. I’ve had to implicitly let myself know that I do not have to create a full color wheel as my first task…for one thing, because there is seriously no reason to limit myself to analogous (adjacent) and complementary (diametrically opposed) mixes. The foregoing is basically an academic exercise: hence, a beginning, not an end.

This is in the same way as I don’t have to adhere to the rule, “never mix black into a color, to darken it.” I mean, sometimes, one may want a greyed-out color (taking down the vibrancy without changing the lightness or darkness), or a color which is simply closer to black…while understanding that black is considered achromatic (at least in the Western tradition in which I was taught).

That is, if you know how to darken a color while keeping (or enhancing) the chroma (intensity), then it probably becomes OK to darken it while reducing that chroma. I can see the issue with beginning artists mixing black into everything in order to establish value relations, which is likely not what an Art teacher wants to encourage. A lot of grayscale paintings with only hints of color, would likely result…

There are other things I could get into: how it doesn’t seem acrylic gouache needs the same type of high-quality paper and high-quality brushes as transparent watercolor (though obviously, my experience is extremely limited!); that I’ve recently learned that tertiary colors are not colors in between secondary colors (like orange) and primary colors (like yellow: making yellow-orange or orangish-yellow), but colors which are made up of three primaries (like yellow-orange plus blue); that it’s fun just to take a secondary color (like violet, made up of blue and red in subtractive color) and add a third primary (yellow), and see what results (in this case, a range of beautiful muted violets and browns); how painting physically is an entirely different experience from painting digitally; how working with paints actually doesn’t have to be messy or dangerous…

I’ll end on this note: I’ve realized that just because I write — a lot — and because I make art, this doesn’t mean that I have to mesh or integrate them into Sequential Art. Maybe I should just be doing the art for myself, not as a way to tell a story. Or, at least, not as a way to tell the story I’m currently working on. It’s actually a relief to get out of that headspace.

What I’ve written — in fiction, over the last week, say — kind of distantly reminds me of Between the World and Me, by Ta-Nehisi Coates…just a kind of constant barrage of problems caused by culture and ideology, and how it impacts a person on an individual level. I really couldn’t stay with Between the World and Me; it was too painful. And, like I think I said at the beginning of this entry…I can see evidence/residue of my own mental troubles, coming through in my own text. I know they don’t make sense, but I’m not sure yet, exactly how to break out of them.

Of course, that’s probably why I stopped writing, in the first place. But I have time and space to work on this, now. I also have an advisor, right now. So, it’s not too bad…
Looking forward

November 26th, 2022

At the risk of smelling myself, I think I’m actually good at this art thing. Below is a copy of the scan I made of the other night’s work. I’ve cranked up the brightness and the contrast, so what I did is visible:

The reason I’m even publishing this? Well, after last night’s post (which was originally image-less), I wanted to put up something more decipherable. I haven’t been able to get any artwork done today — there were other things I had to do. I’m hoping to get back to exploring my gouache, in the next day or two. It depends on how quickly I can get the last of my classwork, done.

That class is nearly over (!), although when I get a burst of free time…I’m going to have to figure out what to do with it. I already have a good idea of what I want to do with it: reading, art, writing; but I feel like I work best with some structure — which is why I’ve been taking classes. Well, that, and the employable skills (if anyone learned anything). A plan for the upcoming days, would be nice.

(Just like outlines for these projects I want to edge into writing, would be nice! Giving myself a place to start, makes it more approachable. Art Journaling will also help me develop source material for larger projects; so I probably shouldn’t write it off as just being for myself. After all, drawing on scrap paper could be my equivalent of the Art Journal: something I feel has less pressure, because it surely will never become an actual art piece [and then it turns out good]…)

I’ve decided that I’m going to look into jobs that require art skill and/or writing skill. Getting into that, requires research. I’ve started in on it, but haven’t saved what I’ve found in my searches. It would make sense for me to actually note some of the things I find down, by hand. Handwritten notes seem foreign to working online, but they help. Compared to having nothing, they’re extremely superior.

I’m not used to looking for jobs that use skills I’m both good at, and like!

To get a job using writing or art skills, I’m going to need a portfolio (or two) to present to potential employers. I do have a backlog of work (although much of the lesser-quality stuff has been tossed). Unless I’m mistaken, I have an artwork portfolio already, though I may have to dig to find it. Or, I may have to reassemble it. I did just check, and I have a much reduced set of images from my Capstone class…I’ll probably want to fill that out. (Not to mention that I’ll eventually want to transfer my images off of last-generation jump drives.)

Of course, I’ll be doing new work, as well. It doesn’t make sense not to, when I’m hoping to use similar skills in a job setting. If I don’t like the work, I might not like the job. Start now, baby!

I’m thinking it will be easier, although much more tedious, to look at my writing output over the past decade: particularly, my journals. I may have stopped writing fiction after graduation, but my mid-twenties to mid-thirties were tough to get through — yet extremely imaginative. The hard part comes (largely) when you can’t distinguish fantasy from reality…which is also a large reason why I stopped writing: I would trigger myself, and it would seem real.

Artwork is somewhat more recognizable as a creative product, than are the things one tells oneself, which then get transcribed into hard copy. The brain has the somewhat annoying (but looking back on it, obvious) habit of believing itself in almost everything, until it learns to question itself. In my experience, I’ve had to pay attention to my somatic sensations to be able to tell when I doubted something to be true. No one is right about everything, all the time; but plenty of people never think twice about it.

I’m sure there is a lot of material I left behind which can be mined. I can spring off of it using fresh eyes and greater experience.

The visual archives will be more challenging…but also, maybe, more engaging. I already know I have photo notations that I never worked up into final pieces. That’s before sourcing new images, drawing or painting in the field, digital editing, etc.

How to balance these two things (the writing and the art), I’m unsure of, at the moment. It may become clearer, once I begin. I already have the writing practice of the blog, set up…but if I want to write professionally, I’ll need to both be reading and writing, creatively. Not just blog posts.

Yeah; how to divide the time is a significant problem. As is the question of what writing project to begin, first; which to continue to develop first, etc. I suppose I could schedule in Writing time in the evenings, and Art time, in the mornings and afternoons…and then read when I’m so blasted from everything else, that I can’t think…maybe in the evenings, before bed? It could be part of my daily winding-down time…
Ecolines

November 23rd, 2022
I’ve been able to get back to the experimental illustration I started a little over a week ago. There were several points I was paying attention to:
1. Do I enjoy this work? (Answer: yes)
2. Am I capable of doing this work? (Answer: yes)
3. How do my art materials work together in this instance? (This was made with Ecoline transparent watercolors, on Fabriano Mixed Media paper…I want to try hot-pressed Watercolor paper next, and there’s nothing stopping me)
4. What does this look like when scanned and uploaded? (See below right)
5. Is it feasible to work a comic on paper as versus making it born-digital? (Answer: probably, but it might be more stressful than it has to be)
At the ice rink (check the knee skew)

Right now I’m fairly fatigued. I’m writing this out because unless I push myself, I’ll probably miss out on recording my immediate experiences. I’ve probably already waited too long to catch all of them.

Working with all of the materials I had to engage, was actually a nice thing. I did learn some things directly. One: adding color to lineart is going to be messy. It’s to my advantage not to overwork areas in an attempt to “fix” something which may become a serendipitous point of interest in the final image. Two: Layering colors, to an extent, can draw attention away from the mess. Three: the Ecolines look massively better when they’re mixed with each other! Four: I understand now why one of my teachers tried to encourage me to be messy (as versus perfectionist). There is no perfection in this. Only difference.

And, of course, the more you try to correct a perceived mistake, the worse it may get. That would especially seem to be so, where it comes to watercolors — though I’d actually go a step further like someone here, and call Ecolines, “inks,” not, “watercolors.” The reason for this is that they’re dye-based, whereas most quality tube (i.e. not liquid) watercolors are pigment-based.

(I probably shouldn’t get into Lake pigments…which are essentially precipitated insoluble dyes which act as pigments [but may fade], if I’m correct. But that essentially moves beyond the difference between solution [dyes] and mixture [paints], to more obviously Chemistry-centric thought that I have a hard time engaging after a couple of decades out of Chemistry class.)

Dyes are great for illustration, where you don’t want to obscure your underlying linework; not-so-great for longevity, where you want, in a sense, to time-proof your work. Illustration media aren’t necessarily meant to last over centuries or millennia in the same way Fine Art media are. We should be happy that the original Astro Boy illustration boards even still exist…

I have read that watercolor itself has only been considered seriously as a Fine Art medium, with the introduction of permanent, lightfast pigments. But that kind of begins to lead me down the road to discuss the use of commercial pigments as artist’s materials (e.g. the whole thing about Quinacridone Gold [PO49])…which I don’t have either the experience or education to talk about.

Then there’s the obvious caveat that a very large number of old oil paintings really don’t convey the same experience as they did when they were new, due to the darkening of varnish and the use of fugitive colors. The term fugitive colors is applied to colorants which change in nature, over time — by UV exposure, exposure to air, exposure to microbes, etc.

I’m not certain when the whole, “colored pencil drawings aren’t real art because they fade,” argument came into being, or, “watercolors aren’t real art because they fade,” similarly. It’s just extremely hypocritical when you have a bunch of brownish oil paintings in museums. I mean, seriously. No one knew they weren’t supposed to be like that, until they tried to clean them. I suppose one can cite naivete…

Then there’s the whole gender issue at the Bauhaus (women could paint in watercolor but were discouraged from oils), which seems ridiculous to me, but I would have been supremely anachronistic in that time period, anyway.

So you have dye-based colorants — which may change in character over time (though this isn’t an issue if they’re immediately scanned into an archival digital format like .TIFF: I went cheaper at a 1200 dpi .JPEG [much simplified for the Web]) — and pigment-based colorants, which are more permanent as a rule, but not necessarily totally permanent. Pigments are small particles, dyes are not: it’s harder to bleach a particle or oxidize a particle, for example.

When one is working digitally, however — that’s a totally different ball game; and it is worth it to ask whether, when something is intended to be seen digitally, is it worth it just to create it first in a digital environment?

I’m pretty sure that falls down to personal preference…there are aspects of working digitally that just do not compare to working by hand, on paper or canvas, instead of a tablet. The softness or snap of a brush, or the blossoming qualities of certain watercolor paints on certain papers (and not other papers)…I would not expect to be mirrored exactly in a digital environment.

This is precisely because it varies so much in a real-world environment, and there are so many issues at play (such as the dampness and absorbency of the paper, the amount of water in [and characteristics of] the brush, the quality of touch, the quality of paint, etc.: I have four different Prussian Blues which perform four different ways on the same paper, despite using the same pigment [yes, I was nitpicky]).

That’s not to even get into the differences in lead constitution between different brands of graphite pencil…(Derwents, as a class, are the most crumbly graphite pencils I own, for example…it’s kind of annoying.)

But that’s edging beyond my level of knowledge. I did take a number of classes in Digital Art, but I’m still not experienced enough to really know what I’m talking about. In five years, I might have better insight.

What I can say is that I don’t think digital art will ever fully replace the experience of making traditional art; but there are definite advantages to digital art. The ability to delete what you didn’t want to do: but did anyway, is one of them.

Most of the work on the above scan — inking and coloring (by hand, obviously, from my errors) — was done on the 22nd. I’m much better (much more practiced) at monochrome drawing, than with colors; the thing is, I’m very into color. Much more so than one might be able to tell, from looking at this blog. I think that a fascination with color is an advantage from the start: especially, looking at how difficult it can be to use color effectively.

I am not a professional Illustrator at this point; but given my current employment options, combined with my personal constitution, it’s attractive as a vocation. That’s if I can get my skills up to a professional level, which will not come without my believing in myself enough to devote time and presence of mind, among other resources, to practice.

I am coming to the point of acknowledging that my imagination is probably one of my more extreme strengths…which can be a double-edged sword. I’ve mentioned before, some of what can go along with that — especially given the fact that I deal with mental configurations which include both a tendency to catastrophize, and a vulnerability to false beliefs (which…you know, those two things could be the same).

This is the major reason that I veered away from Creative Writing after my Undergraduate degree was over. To a lesser extent, I got into Visual Arts when I realized how challenging it would be to have control over a world of my own making, when my mind had not been reined in.

There does seem to be something to the analogy of trying to ride a wild horse, when it comes to mental health…

…I say, never having ridden a horse. Not even once, neigh?

(Now I’m unconsciously getting into polyglot humor. I’m sorry.)

There’s a lot that changes in twenty years, including one’s self-knowledge, and ability to notice when one starts spiraling in a direction one does not want to spiral down. I’m sure it’s noticeable from the backlog of posts, here, that I can start to go off on a tangent and then, by surprise, maybe the post’s primary content ends up being that tangent. I’m not entirely sure why it happens…I’ve just been told to keep writing.
Sometimes you need experience to gain insight

November 20th, 2022

My XML class is in its final weeks. I remember having written some time ago that by the end of this class, I should have some idea whether I would want to go back for more intensive XML training. The answer to that question is unequivocally, “no.”

This has been a good thing to realize, prior to attempting to get a job which deals heavily with XML. Markup is not a big deal — and I may want to pursue HTML and CSS, further — but Computer Programming, is a big deal, for me. A lot of the manipulation of XML for use cases is conducted within Programming and Query languages…which are not necessarily easy things to learn. I’ve gotten tripped up on both of them.

Wend your way

I have realized that I have other strengths that not everyone has, that I should not discount; and that possibly, my past training in both Writing and Art were not missteps. Possibly, neither was Social Science. Or, Ethnic Studies. Both of the latter help me better understand the people and world around me.

Maybe, that is, I just did the best I could at the time, and my best wasn’t as bad as I had thought.

Librarianship…is different. Librarianship was a choice offered to me by a vocational institution, out of a list of jobs they could prepare me for. I do not feel their “help” was all that helpful, at this point in my life. What they gave me was a 12-year detour and another diploma…in something I may not actually want to do.

I am not certain at this point that Librarianship, as a field, even contains the type of work I primarily want to do — that is, the work that is my reason for living — though I see some subfields which could be tolerable as income streams (Cataloging). Problem is, I may have to relocate to get those jobs, and it seems most of those jobs are not even in my general region of the country — nor are they in regions I would want to move to.

Maybe the people who had those jobs didn’t want to live there, either.

As for the areas in which I find both ability and pleasure? These would be creativity, creative process, language, and literacy; writing, reading, and art.

These things have pretty much nothing to do with being a front-line Civil Service worker, even in a Library setting; but that’s what I’ve done for the last ten years of my employment. I realized over the course of those jobs, that I’m not psychologically suited for public service. I’m just very much, too sensitive; and I ruminate for too long. I can change the latter, but probably not the former.

I just tried working with “people” because I thought I had to do it. I thought that if I did it instead of avoiding it, it would get easier. Unfortunately, anxiety in dealing with people isn’t necessarily subject to exposure therapy. It’s not the same thing as a phobia.

The only way this gets easier is that people stop trying to test you so much, when they have seen you before. Whereas people throw all kinds of mind games at you, if they think you’re new.

That kind of interaction, I can very well live without.

Time

I also realize that my time is precious: this last semester, I could have been taking a class in Speculative Fiction instead of XML. That would have put me into a good position for many of the projects I could be dealing with now, which I didn’t realize I might deal with until the 18th of November, when I listed them out.

For that matter, I could have been reading things I wanted to read, rather than reading poorly-written technical books on a topic I may never utilize.

I think I’ve realized why M keeps asking me to prioritize what I really want to do: because she recognizes that — in my trying to make Librarianship work as a career for 12 years now — I haven’t been doing what I’ve wanted, and I seem a bit lost. It’s possible she feels a little responsible for this, having supported me through Library School and having pushed me to complete the program (but not expecting I would choose to work as much as I did, in my last position).

Genre

I am still uncertain what genre my work falls into; though if the answer to that is, “none,” I know I’m writing Literature. (There are some in-jokes about this, where it comes to authors who publish in Science Fiction and Fantasy [SF/F] journals.) Of course, it would heed me to actually do the work before trying to figure out my genre. It would likely clarify much more than I can understand from a theoretical standpoint.

In turn, it helps to read if you want to write. Fiction authorship works best if it is first modeled, in my case; and I haven’t really read any Fiction, recently. That kind of thing, will make it hard to begin.

Most of the reading I’ve been attracted to on my own, has been Speculative Fiction — from way back with Dragonriders of Pern and Jurassic Park and The Andromeda Strain, moving forward into The Vampire Lestat and Violin, most lately in The Left Hand of Darkness, etc. That doesn’t at all mean that I’m a writer of Speculative Fiction; only that I’m influenced by it. I was trained into Literature and tend not to base my writing around a setting or world; I’m more engrossed in character.

It gets to the point where I question just why some of the alienating — and seemingly unnecessary — elements of SF/F recur: sometimes they just seem to be distractions from the quality of the text. (That includes Hugo and Nebula Award winners.) I wouldn’t be surprised if this is precisely why Literature people tend to look askance on this particular genre.

Where the text is precisely an exploration of the world it portrays, that is an entirely different motive for writing than being led first by an exploration of character or an exploration of the art possible in the language, itself (the latter of which, I’ve heard is expressed maximally in Ulysses; but I haven’t read it yet, to confirm).

And then…there is the fact that SF/F elements can occur in Literature. As regards what makes something Speculative Fiction as versus Literature; I’ll just have to continue research on it, now — and keep reading.

What I know is that I’m not totally into Worldbuilding, because the question arises: Worldbuilding, to what end? For me, that really is the crux of the matter. If my characters’ relations to their world/setting are irrelevant to the central question that the writing engages, it may be the case that I’m not writing within the Speculative Fiction genre…but I’m really not sure. I know for a fact that I have not studied it: I never got the chance to (and just blew my last one).

Blogging versus Authorship?

Something that came up over the past few days, is realizing that blogging is likely a form of Social Media, for me. It’s relatively easy, therefore, to pour a lot of time into it…when I could be using that time to do work which could be publishable in a way which is not just short-term self-publishing, online.

There’s also the fact that when I’m writing on my blog, it inherently pushes away the topics which are still relevant and need to be worked out; but which are not suitable for consumption by the public, at their present stage of development. Either this, or it helps generate a record of these topics — but then I have to excise them from what I post. They’re generally off-topic obsessions, or so undeveloped as to be risky to publish (either due to misunderstanding, or to being explored by someone else before I can get to them).

If I want to publish traditionally, I need to keep my work relatively private until I can get a contract. This is one of those things that I learned in Undergrad. Much of the time, a Publisher seeks First Publishing Rights, which I won’t be able to give them if I’ve already published to the Web, on my own. 50 Shades of Grey is not the norm, that is. Nor is My Milk Toof.

There are many benefits to publishing traditionally — including serving as a prerequisite to being accepted into a Creative Writing MFA program. Again, though: the MFA is valuable if you want to teach. If you don’t want to teach, is it also that important? It depends on how much focused attention you want or need on your own work — kind of like an Art MFA.

Prestige is also a factor, though it may only matter in Academia — or from within the Publishing industry, itself. Looking at my CV, however, it’s fairly obvious that I haven’t particularly ever been after prestige.

Contracting with a Publisher means that there will be a lot of work other than the writing portion which they will take care of, particularly in Marketing, but also in Graphic Design, Printing, Distribution, etc. I’d also likely get my own group of Editors to work with.

The major issue with traditional Publishing is that I have to be prepared to face a vast majority of rejections — as any author (especially a previously unpublished author) would. I have heard that if you send out 100 queries and three of them aren’t a straight “no”, you’re doing good. That’s assumed to be with a Creative Writing degree; I was told this in Undergrad.

There are also the time and response components. Blogging has a fairly immediate turnaround between posting and seeing people’s responses — even if it takes me two or three days to write a quality post, and one to three days to have everyone see it. I can’t expect that kind of immediate response, if I’m writing for myself. That means I need to be able to handle delayed gratification, or essentially working on my project for my own pleasure, and be able to tolerate the fact that other people don’t know about it.

Of course, this could be mitigated with a Writing Group/Writer’s Circle…but there’s also the question of whether I even want to try that, outside of a University setting. (It’s hard enough to share, in a class; let alone where it’s solid that I can’t trust anyone and there is really no recourse to “off” or immoral behavior other than leaving, or legal action.)

Yeah, the “people” factor may be the most difficult issue in Writing, too…

Illustration

The other things I wish to develop — outside of this class, which should end in a matter of weeks — are my Drawing and Painting skills. At this point, I’m confronting some inertia in getting back into them, as I’ve been doing “official” (i.e. XML) work during the daytime, and am not yet used to having the possibility of free time while I have natural light. Daylight is acting like a countdown timer for me, which is kind of disconcerting.

I can’t exclusively depend on the idea of Art as, “play,” or, “reward,” because that decentralizes it in my life. Though, granted, when I was using Art as a reward, I was getting much more work done than when I wasn’t. I was trying to squeeze all the reward possible out of that time, that is.

For that matter, I’m not used to the option of working with my Art materials, at all. Both Writing and Art have kind of been shoved off to the side, as things one does in their leisure time. My society supports this view by the fact that most artists and writers have to have, “day jobs,” to survive.

But if I want to become a professional Writer or Illustrator…I really need to work, to hone my skills and to further develop a portfolio — in addition to seeing if I really want to do this. I already know that I really want to write. The question here is whether to split my time between Writing and Art…because I can do both, but I don’t have the time, necessarily, to fully pursue both (unless I’m able to remain unemployed and still survive, which in turn is dependent upon my support network).

The fact is that there is a lot of reading I want to do, and Art requires a substantial time (and energy, and money) commitment. However, if it keeps me sane while I’m working on my writing — which it does — that is a reason to keep doing it, and integrate it into my workflow. Even if it doesn’t end up being particularly important as regards my career.

When I went back to Community College and decided to focus on Art…it was partially to see if I even really liked it anymore. Or, at least, liked it enough to make a Graphic Novel, as versus a literary novel. I was still working out issues of medium, that is — and it’s fair to say that I still am.

I apparently liked Art enough to follow the courses through to an AA…though how anyone uses their skills after training, is really up to them. I’m still trying to fight against the bias that says that if I can do my own work, it must also be easy for everyone else, too.

That’s not how it works, okay.

Establishing priorities

I did smell a couple of my Ecolines, and the most I smelled was just a relatively mild vinegar scent. (I wasn’t able to identify it until after I smelled a bottle of pen cleaner to remind myself of what ammonia smelled like. It is certainly not ammonia.) I hadn’t been using the Ecolines because it has been so incredibly cold that I hadn’t wanted to even take the risk of having to vent the house. But vinegar should not bother me.

Maybe I can bring in some intention. If I wake up around 5:30 AM tomorrow again, instead of checking my phone, I can do my 15 minutes of free-writing and then go and experiment with the Ecolines. I mean, I can just start my day early, instead of going back to sleep. I should then be up for dawn, which hits at about 7 AM. Sunset hits at about 5 PM, which should give me 10 hours of work — though I know for a fact that I won’t be able to work the entire day through.

That means to get to bed at a decent time, tonight; further, this means to get ready for bed early enough so that I can go to sleep, if I want to.

This also means, maybe, to slip in some time to write by hand, in between dinner and bed. It would allow me to stay away from screens late at night…although that point has been surpassed at this time, obviously.